The other night I had a dream that we had a baby. It was a boy, I think, and he was probably 9 months or a year old but it is hard to tell being so far removed from that period in our lives. I woke up somewhat sad.
A few years ago, we had preliminary discussions about having another baby, either through adoption or biologically. The discussion was never completed, in large part because it involved an number of issues and we didn't have all the answers. Maybe I lacked the faith to just believe that we would do a great job as parents, just like we had 2 times before, or maybe I was just selfish and did not want to bear any additional burdens. Not having that conversation and not trusting in Crystal's gut that we were meant to have another child are a couple of the biggest regrets of my life. I feel those regrets every time we are around babies and toddlers.
Recently, we broached the topic again. Together we decided that the baby train had left the station. Our family of four would stay that size. I don't think it was an easy decision for either of us, but we made it together and support each other in it. And, perhaps most importantly, we had the discussion.
I can't help thinking though, if I trusted myself more back then, our youngest child would be around 2 today. He'd probably be getting up from an afternoon nap to see his big brother and sister come home from school.
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